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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26411587">where you used to be</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/lifeofsnark/pseuds/lifeofsnark'>lifeofsnark</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Fiveya Kinkmemes &amp; Prompts [3]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>The Umbrella Academy (TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Aged up characters, F/M, Fingering, Five Has One Braincell, Five is convinved Vanya doesn't want him THAT way, Mild Angst, Mirror Sex, Pining, Possessive Behavior, Smut, featuring Five as a sad puppy, p in v, that's the fic, the author has one regret</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-09-11</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-09-11</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 12:21:39</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Explicit</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>7,164</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26411587</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/lifeofsnark/pseuds/lifeofsnark</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>She thought he’d gone mad, and of course he had. Of course. But even starving, even coated in other people’s blood, even hallucinating and alone, he’d had a tether dragging him into the future. </p><p>And now here was his anchor, sitting right in front of him, and it turned out that his tether (his reason for living) hadn’t existed at all. That tether had been nothing more than another cut rope, flapping loose in the breeze. </p><p>What would Odysseus have done if he arrived home to find Penelope only politely interested in his return? Not anyone else’s, not yet, but no longer his, either?</p><p>OR: Liv prompted me to write a story about "one braincell Five who truly doesn't think Vanya wants him. Pining. <i>Yearning</i>. Assumes everything is a pity date, and gets resolved with smut."</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Number Five | The Boy/Vanya Hargreeves</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Fiveya Kinkmemes &amp; Prompts [3]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1919707</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>21</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>205</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>where you used to be</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><ul class="associations">
      <li>For <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/light_loves_the_dark/gifts">light_loves_the_dark</a>.</li>



    </ul><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>“Where you used to be, there is a hole in the world, which I find myself constantly walking around in the daytime, and falling in at night. I miss you like hell.”<br/>― Edna St. Vincent Millay</p><p>Liv, I am so glad we found each other! I hope you enjoy this rainbow snowcone of sadness!</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Five had never imagined that he could be doomed to lose everything twice. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The first time was obvious: with one gleeful, spiteful jump into the future he’d lost his childhood, his family, and the little bit of socialization that Reginald had been able to instill in him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Now, looking into Vanya’s concerned and worried eyes, Five felt a sharp pang of fear. “You don’t believe me,” he said, horror and denial making his throat tighten and his voice roughen. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No! I— It’s just, the apocalypse. It’s a lot to take in.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He’d pictured this moment so many times, and in so many different ways.  None of his scenarios had involved her reacting like </span>
  <em>
    <span>this: </span>
  </em>
  <span>with polite interest and sisterly concern. Somewhere along the way he’d lost her as his best listener and strongest supporter. Somewhere along the way, he’d lost her as </span>
  <em>
    <span>his. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah,” said Five, carding his hand through his hair. Even that was different: this body’s hair was no longer short-clipped and steel toned. Now it was longer and full, with grey only encroaching at his temples. He was in a new body, in a new time, and facing a whole new set of problems that he’d never even thought of preparing for. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Maybe this was too much to put on you at once.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I mean… didn’t dad say that it could have unknown effects on your mind, your body?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She thought he’d gone mad, and of course he had. Of course. But even starving, even coated in other people’s blood, even hallucinating and alone, he’d had a tether dragging him into the future. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>And now here was his anchor, sitting right in front of him, and it turned out that his tether (his reason for living) hadn’t existed at all. That tether had been nothing more than another cut rope, flapping loose in the breeze. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>What would Odysseus have done if he arrived home to find Penelope only politely interested in his return? Not anyone else’s, not yet, but no longer his, either?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I should go,” said Five, standing abruptly. Her small apartment felt too small, too dark, too closed-in. He needed space to think about everything he’d learned. He’d come up with a way to fix this, he </span>
  <em>
    <span>had </span>
  </em>
  <span>to, because—</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No!” said Vanya, showing more animation than she had in the previous hour. “No, don’t go. I’m…” she pinched the bridge of her nose. “I’m just overwhelmed and tired. Okay? Please don’t go. I missed you. Please don’t go.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Five didn’t say anything as she hurried into her bedroom, pulled a storage box out from under her bed, and came back with a worn quilt and a spare pillow. “We’ll talk in the morning. Okay?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She looked so damn hopeful. She looked nothing like the Vanya on the back of her book, the one who had kept Five company for the last, well. Lifetime.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Alright,” said Five, taking the blanket from her even as his body ached to be in motion, to be hunting down a solution to this problem. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He didn’t even bother to take off his shoes. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It was some small comfort to listen to Vanya getting ready for bed. She still didn’t feel a need to fill the silence between them, but occasionally he’d feel her glance over at him like she was checking to make sure he was really there. Then the light clicked off, and Five could hear her skin rustling against the covers. Soon enough her breathing evened out into the soft rhythm of real sleep. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He waited fifteen minutes after that, but no more. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Five slipped out of the apartment on silent feet, taking her spare key out of her drawer to lock up after himself. It was bad enough that she didn’t have locks on her windows. Didn’t she know what evils the world hell?</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Obviously not, </span>
  </em>
  <span>he thought to himself. </span>
  <em>
    <span>She’d just invited one of them to sleep on her couch. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>So what did he know about Vanya? It was a short and easy answer: not enough. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Five wandered the dark and restless city with his hands stuffed down in his coat pockets and a scowl on his face. The work-weary gave him a wide berth, and the night-creatures and petty criminals avoided him too. Even predators could sense when a larger threat had entered their midst. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>What would he have done if Vanya was a target? </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It didn’t bother him to think of her that way. In a way she was the greatest target, she was the finish line, the only person he’d ever wanted badly enough to endanger himself. And now that he was home, and she was distant and changed, Vanya was the only person important enough to distract him from his real reason for returning: the eye, and the apocalypse, and the end of the world and everyone in it. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>~~~</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Only his first few weeks in the apocalypse rivaled how painful the next month was. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The world didn’t end, and he still couldn’t get a read on Vanya. He ought to be consumed with determining why the world hadn’t ended, but instead Five’s thoughts revolved around Vanya, and her shy smiles, and the way she would lean against him on the couch while he read to her in the evenings. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Idly, Five toyed with the ends of her hair as he read to her from the mystery novel she’d chosen. He’d figured out who the murderer was three chapters ago, but he still enjoyed discussing her theories with her, impressed by the little nuances she’d picked up on while she rested against his chest. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Have you heard any more from the Commission?” Vanya asked abruptly when he’d finished with the chapter. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Five held himself still. “No,” he said, wondering where she was taking this. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I thought maybe they’d have said something. That they’d come after you for stopping their apocalypse.”</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>The apocalypse hadn’t been the Commissions. In every meaningful way, it had been his. </span>
  </em>
  <span>“I don’t know why they haven’t come,” said Five. “But I’ve been watching for them.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Vanya shifted a little, pressing her back more firmly to Five’s side. She was still so little against him, like she’d hardly grown at all since their teen years. It was all Five could do not to gather her up and tuck her under his chin. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Maybe they’re afraid of you?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It took years of sniper training to keep his body from going tense against hers. “What do you mean?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Your powers… they make you the only person who could go against the Commission. And you killed those masked people sent to kill you.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Five frowned down at the top of her head. “Are you afraid of me?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Vanya scoffed. “No.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She wasn’t afraid of him, but she didn’t want him in bed with her, either. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Vanya had twisted against him; was looking up into his face with her eyes scrunched and her top teeth sunk into her bottom lip. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What?” Five asked, giving into the impulse to stroke the back of his knuckles against her jaw. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Nothing,” Vanya murmured, still looking up at him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Tell me,” said Five, hoping that this time she would tell him the truth, that this was the moment when she’d put him out of his fucking misery. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Later,” she said, and slipped out of his arms. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Later. For her, Five would cultivate patience. (If it didn’t kill him first.)</span>
</p><p>
  <span>~~~</span>
</p><p>
  <span>This was the one situation in the known universe where Five’s failure was an option. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>For her, he would fail at the thing he’d wanted the most. He would fail to woo her, to show her how magnificent they could be together, to revisit the closeness they’d had as children and allow that to develop into something deeper and darker and binding. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He wouldn’t walk away. He couldn’t: walking away would mean his death, and he wasn’t ready. No, this failure was something that Five could live with, because it meant being in Vanya’s life to whatever extent she would allow. He would take whatever scraps she would give him, and he would be thankful, because this was Vanya. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Whatever else he wanted, whatever else his love for her meant, she was still his sister. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tonight, Five thought. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Tonight, he’d let himself pretend. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>“You look beautiful,” he told her when Vanya appeared out of her little bedroom. She was in heels and a sleek, deep plum-colored jumpsuit. The V of the bodice plunged down over her sternum, the waist was sleek and narrow and cut asymmetrically to the side, and Five wanted to strip her out of it and eat her up. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>But she’d asked him to this event with a mouthful of Thai food and a smile on her face. There was no way this was </span>
  <em>
    <span>real, </span>
  </em>
  <span>no matter how well he pretended. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You look nice too,” said Vanya, looking him up and down through her eyelashes. He wanted to tease her, to raise his eyebrow and hook his thumbs into his pockets so that she’d look at his belt, a belt he could use to strap her to the bed and— </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I clean up alright,” said Five, brushing away his fantasy. “Ready to go? I’ve got a car waiting downstairs.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“And have you walk thirty blocks in heels? I don’t think so,” said Five, holding out her coat. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’ve always been bossy,” said Vanya as they walked down the stairs to the apartment lobby. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yes,” said Five, and he was too tired and heartsore to wonder if </span>
  <em>
    <span>that </span>
  </em>
  <span>was the trait that had turned her away from him. Or maybe it was nothing about his personality that bothered her: maybe he was only her brother. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I like that you’re bossy,” said Vanya thoughtfully as Five held open the lobby door and walked her towards the Uber. </span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Oh, the things he would do to her if she’d have him. </span>
  </em>
  <span>He’d spank her when she was naughty and tuck her in at night and make sure she actually ate vegetables for once in her life. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Why do you like it?” Five asked gruffly, sliding into the Uber beside her. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Vanya shrugged, brushing her arm against his. “I can tell you to stop if I need to.”</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Did she realize she was the only one with that level of control over him? </span>
  </em>
  <span>Could she sense it?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Vanya continued, “And it’s nice. I was on my own for a long time before you came back, and… she ducked her head and mumbled, “So it’s nice that someone notices. Even if he is bossy.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Five couldn’t keep his hands to himself any longer. He drew her back up and smoothed his palm over her straightened hair. “Of course I notice.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The rest of the car ride was silent. Five let himself fantasize for the duration: if this was </span>
  <em>
    <span>real </span>
  </em>
  <span>he’d introduce himself as her date. He’d make sure she ate something to go along with the cheap champagne they served at events like this. They would dance, and he’d recall claiming her as his partner during their annual summer course in ballroom dancing. Vanya would gripe about being short, and her heels hurting her feet, and then they got home he’d peel her out of that outfit and take  her to bed where he’d pleasure her so thoroughly she could’t remember her own name. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>As the car drew up outside the </span>
  <em>
    <span>Icarus, </span>
  </em>
  <span>he reminded himself it wasn’t real. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Pity date, </span>
  </em>
  <span>he told himself as he helped Vanya out of the car. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Brother and sister. She just didn’t want to come alone. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>They walked up the front steps with a few other couples before stepping inside the warmth and glittering light of the theater. This feeling of transformation was something stages and churches had in common: when they were empty the buildings felt oddly hollow. You could see the cracks in the plaster, and the little cobwebs in high corners, and could almost catch the echoes of sermons and songs. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>But with the lights on, and a crowd of people clustered inside? The building came alive too, sparkling like antique jewels that have been passed down and imbued with the personalities of the people who had come before. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Some of that magic rubbed off on Vanya, though to Five she had always been a precious treasure, waiting for him and only him to recognize her true value. She passed her coat to the check girl, and then turned to Five with a happy, upturned face. “Can I put these in your pocket?” she asked, holding out her cell phone ID. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Of course,” said Five, reaching for them. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>But he didn’t need to. Vanya stepped closer and slid her little hand into his back pocket just as casually as can be. Only through the grace of long hours of practice did Five not tense up. (But had he imagined the way her fingertips had grazed over his ass as she pulled her hand out of his pocket? Surely he had.)</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thanks,” said Vanya. “And thank you for coming with me. I’m really glad you’re here.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Of course I came with you,” said Five. He’d follow her anywhere, hadn’t he proven that already? He’d neglected an apocalypse for her, though it turned out to be a doomsday that had never arrived. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“These things can be so boring and creepy when I come by myself,” said Vanya, taking Five’s hand and towing him down the hall away from the auditorium doors. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Creepy?” His hand unconsciously tightened on hers. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m third chair violin. Basically a glorified rhythm guitar. So I stand off in the corner, and the patrons can sense I’m an easy target.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She said it easily, like she’d accepted that she </span>
  <em>
    <span>was </span>
  </em>
  <span>an easy target, and Five mentally made a note to make a platinum-level donation to the theater when he got home. Then he’d be welcome to attend these functions whether Vanya asked him or not. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>At the end of the corridor a set of double doors had been thrown open wide and wrapped in a wreath of carnations. Inside people had gathered in evening finery. Waiters slid effortlessly through clumps of chatting party attendees, and a small string quartet played serenely in the corner. The back wall was entirely mirrored, and caught the reflections of both candles and jewels: this was the stage’s anteroom, transformed into a gathering space for theater patrons. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>On the far side of the room a pretty redhead in a sleeveless black sheath dress caught Vanya’s eye and waved them over. “Hey, V. You look </span>
  <em>
    <span>hot,</span>
  </em>
  <span>” said the redhead, and Five wanted to mutter that </span>
  <em>
    <span>he </span>
  </em>
  <span>was the one to call her that. But Vanya had had a whole life without him, and that was his own damn fault. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hey Phoebe,” said Vanya, pulling the taller woman into a hug. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Phoebe took a step back and gestured to her date. “This is Jaime. I told you about them last time we had coffee.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Right,” said Vanya, leaning forward to shake Jaime’s hand. “Nice to meet you. Phoebe, this is Five.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He waited for her to add “</span>
  <em>
    <span>my brother”, </span>
  </em>
  <span>but that addendum never came. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Nice to meet you,” said Phoebe, giving him a firm handshake. “I’m not even going to ask what you have five of.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Jokes,” said Five, deadpan. “What do you play?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Percussion 2,” said Phoebe, pushing an errant red curl over her shoulder. “I play a mean triangle.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jaime rolled their eyes. “She was a drummer in the army band for six years.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Five snagged a couple flutes of champagne off a passing waiter’s tray and handed one to Vanya. Might as well try to enjoy himself, though he didn’t think champagne would mix well with the jealousy he had seething in his stomach. There was an easy intimacy between </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I can see what you mean,” said Phoebe in a stage whisper. “Very take charge.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Vanya blushed, and Phoebe snickered. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>In the corner, the string quartet brought a soft sonata gently to a close before beginning a livelier swing tune. Jaime grabbed Phoebe’s hand and tugged her into the cleared space on the floor, leaving Vanya and Five alone, sipping their champagne. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Want to dance?” Five asked, watching as Vanya’s cheeks pinked from the champagne and his hot stare. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Alright,” she said, and set her empty glass on one of the bar-height tables scattered around the edges of the room. Five put his next to hers, and then palmed the small of Vanya’s back as they walked over to join the dancing. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I like Phoebe,” he said honestly, taking Vanya’s hand in his and rocking her into a simple swing step. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Me too,” said Vanya. “She’s been dying to meet you.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh?” At least he was holding her small, lithe body. At least she was focused on him, and relaxed in his arms. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Mhmm. She thinks it’s strange that I didn’t go on any dates for years, and then basically have some guy move into my apartment.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m not some guy,” said Five, bending his head closer to hers. “But I have been thinking about looking for a place of my own.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What?” Vanya’s eyes went wide, and her fingers tightened on the jacket of his suit. “But ...why?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Five shrugged, and cued her into a spin. When he reeled her back to him, he said, “I can’t sleep on your couch forever.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Vanya worried her bottom lip, and Five tried to lighten the mood. “I’m not going far. I think I learned my lesson the first time.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>They danced until the song ended, but Vanya remained quiet and stiff in his arms. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Fuck, </span>
  </em>
  <span>Five thought, stepping back from her as the song ended. </span>
  <em>
    <span>I should have kept my idiot mouth shut. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>“Can we talk?” Vanya asked, keeping her hand in his and looking up into his face. She had a piece of hair woven through her eyelashes, and Five couldn’t keep himself from reaching up to gently untangle it for her. She leaned into his touch, and Five swallowed hard. She was so sweet and little and </span>
  <em>
    <span>his, </span>
  </em>
  <span>but that … wasn’t all true, was it. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Come on,” said Vanya, towing him through the crowd. She had to shift a huge vase of flowers aside, but then she’d opened the stage door and had pulled Five with her into the dark cavern beyond. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Slowly, his eyes adjusted. He could see old scenery covered in dust cloths, and ballet barres, and the director’s podium had been pulled off the stage into the wings. The wood floor of the stage gleamed red in the emergency lights, and Vanya moved confidently ahead of him behind the far-rear curtain. </span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Makes sense, </span>
  </em>
  <span>Five thought idly to himself as she tugged him down that narrow cloth corridor. </span>
  <em>
    <span>They’d need a way to get from one side of the stage to the other. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>About halfway along the passage Vanya opened another room and then switched on the lights, which slowly began to glow. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s the ladies’ dressing room,” said Vanya. “I knew nobody would be in here right now, and the lock has been broken for months.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>There were a few folding chairs arranged in front of the long old-hollywood style mirror, but otherwise the room was empty and shadowed. Five stood in the doorway and watched as Vanya fidgeted. He loved her, he knew he loved her, but he was hurt enough to let her stew in her own feelings for a few minutes longer. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t want you to move out,” said Vanya, the words tumbling out of her mouth in a nervous jumble. “You don’t have to sleep on the couch anymore. I’ve been wanting to tell you, but I’ve been nervous, and… you’ve been </span>
  <em>
    <span>gone, </span>
  </em>
  <span>I couldn’t assume that you missed me or, you know, felt the same way about me as you did—”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What are you saying?” asked Five, ruthlessly quashing the hope rising in his chest. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Vanya studiously looked everywhere but at him: at the mirror, at the faded carpet, at her own shoes. “I really missed you when you were gone,” she mumbled.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I missed you too,” said Five, shoving his hands deep in his pockets. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Vanya looked up at him, bit her lip, bounced on her toes, and—</span>
</p><p>
  <span>—and </span>
  <em>
    <span>launched </span>
  </em>
  <span>herself at him, fisting her little fingers in the front of his suit jacket and tugging his face down to hers. Five was so stunned that he didn’t react when her lips landed on his, a little too hard and a little too messy. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It wasn’t the way he’d imagined their first real kiss. His eyes were open, for one thing, and so were hers: her big brown eyes wild and nervous and scared, but she was </span>
  <em>
    <span>kissing </span>
  </em>
  <span>him, and what the fuck was he doing? </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He smoothed one hand up her back to cradle the base of her skull and used the other to pull her more tightly against him. The kiss softened and changed: instead of being wild pressure and wrong angles, it gentled into something deeper, a slow gliding of lips and a mingling of breath. She sighed when he took her bottom lip between his teeth and gently tugged, and when he tugged on her hair to tilt her head back for him she </span>
  <em>
    <span>moaned. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>She tasted like lipstick and champagne and a promise forty-five years in the making. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Five wasn’t going to let her go, not even for air. He’d dreamed of this, had dreamed of her, and so he explored her mouth like he wished he could explore the rest of her. She was plastered against him so sweetly, and maybe he’d be able to live with this, with this taste of everything he’d longed for but could likely never have. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Five,” Vanya gasped, breaking away just enough to gulp in air. “Five, I need you, please—” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Her fingers scrabbled at his belt buckle, and Five’s dick went from half-hard to uncomfortably rigid between one heartbeat and the next. “Vanya,” he said, catching her wrists. “What—”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Please,” she said, low and ragged, and jesus fuck did Five like hearing her like that and knowing that she was begging for </span>
  <em>
    <span>him. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’ve wanted you since that first night you appeared in your apartment,” she said, twisting a little as though she couldn’t stand to hold still. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“The door doesn’t lock,” said Five, clinging to what little bit of reason still remained. If she wanted this he would give it to her; if she wanted to ride him in the center of the darkened stage just outside the dressing room door he would do it gladly, because Vanya was </span>
  <em>
    <span>his </span>
  </em>
  <span>and she always had been. (Fates willing, she always would be.)</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yes,” she said, wriggling to get closer to him again. “Please, Five, come on.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He let go of her wrists, wrapped his arms around her, and hauled her up against him. In a few long strides he’d dropped her on the edge of the long vanity in front of the mirror, and fuck but he looked like a predator preparing to devour his prey: Vanya’s back and a long sweep of sleek dark hair was lit by the bulbs placed all around the mirror. Behind Five was deep darkness, and his own face was deeply shadowed by the starkness of the bulbs. He was taller than Vanya, and broader too, and his big hand was splayed possessively across her back, tanned and rough on the silk. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yes,” she said, hooking her thighs around his hips and trying to reel him in closer. “I need this.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I won’t leave you,” said Five, bending to run his nose over her jaw before he nibbled on her ear. “But I need to get you out of this getup first, unless you want me tearing you out of it.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Vanya’s eyes went wide and she stopped moving. He wouldn’t really rip her out of her jumpsuit, not </span>
  <em>
    <span>here </span>
  </em>
  <span>where everyone would see her after. At home? Well… he could always buy her another one. As many as she wanted. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>His big fingers found the zipper tab at the nape other neck and pulled, baring a widening stipe of smooth, pale skin and nubby spine to his view. He traced that skin down— god, </span>
  <em>
    <span>she wasn’t wearing a bra— </span>
  </em>
  <span>before the zipper ended at the small of her back. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Lift your hips,” he said, sliding the material down her arms and over her torso. Her tits were high and small and capped with hard little nipples, and it was all Five could do to catch one between his lips as he slid the silk out from under her butt and down over her thighs. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Vanya arched into him with a throaty little moan, and Five reminded himself that he needed to take this slow: there was no guarantee that she would want him again, so he needed to give her the fuck of a lifetime. The memories would have to last him at least that long. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Vanya’s fingers carded through his hair as Five scraped his teeth over her nipple, and Five grinned at that: she liked a bit of pain, too. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Have you been waiting for me?” Five asked, reaching up to cup her neglected breast before pinching the nipple just this side of too tightly. Vanya gasped “</span>
  <em>
    <span>yes!” </span>
  </em>
  <span>and arched into him, and Five had to kiss her once more. Her hair poured over her back like dark silk, and her mouth was damp and open under his, and Five had never felt so deeply victorious in his life. </span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>His. </span>
  </em>
  <span>For the space of the next few minutes Vanya was his to pleasure, would take whatever he gave her, and when they walked out of here it would be the bruises of his fingerprints that she carried on her hips. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>When Five broke away he slid his hand from her breast, over the smooth plane of her belly, to her soft, neatly trimmed pussy. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Is this where you want me?” Five asked, his voice dark and sex rough. “Is this where you’re needy and wet?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yes,” said Vanya again, bucking her hips up into his hand, but Five wouldn’t be discouraged. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“This is why you didn’t introduce me as your brother,” he said, teasing her by slowly sliding the tips of his first two fingers up and down her folds. “Because you want me here, in this soft little pussy.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I do,” said Vanya. “I used to— to pretend it was you. In your room, until Grace locked the door.”</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Jesus fucking christ. </span>
  </em>
  <span>“You touched yourself in my bed?” Five asked, incredulous. The whole time he’d been in the apocalypse longing for her, and looking at the sad, older version of her on the back of her book, she’d been </span>
  <em>
    <span>thinking of him. </span>
  </em>
  <span>While she touched herself, all relaxed and wet and pleasured. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Five ground his cock against the inside of her thigh, hoping any small amount of friction would give him relief. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I did,” said Vanya, biting her bottom lip and glancing away from him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Five caught her chin with his spare hand as his left stroked firmly over her pussy, lingering at her clit. “Don’t hide from me, sweetheart,” he said, beginning to circle at her clit with two slick-damp fingers. “Not ever.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Vanya’s eyes were lust-blown and her cheeks were pink and flushed. Her hair was clinging to her forehead and neck, and he could feel the way her fingers were clenched in the hair at the nape of his neck and the material of his suit jacket. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“One day,” said Five, beginning to pleasure her in earnest, “If I’d stayed, I would have done that. I would have put you in my bed, in the afternoon sun. No clothes, fuck. You’d never wear fucking clothes. And I’d have sat at the foot of the bed, with your legs splayed, and watched as you touched yourself.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Vanya whimpered at that, and Five felt the corner of his mouth curl up in a ruthless little smile. “If you were naughty, I’d have you tell me what you were thinking about,” he said, pressing an open-mouthed kiss to her neck. “All the things you wished I was doing to you.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Vanya keened and tilted her head to the side, beyond words but not gestures. Five kissed her again, and resisted the urge to suck a mark of ownership into her skin. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He could feel her going slick around his fingers, hot and molten in that magic way women had, but this was </span>
  <em>
    <span>Vanya, </span>
  </em>
  <span>this was better than anything Five had done before. She was rocking her hips up into his fingers, and air had gone warm with heady with the smell of her arousal, and Five wanted to live in this moment forever. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Have you been laying in your bed, with your fucking bedroom door cracked open, thinking of this?” Five asked. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Vanya whimpered and nodded, trying to turn her face away from his, overwhelmed by the pressure of his fingers and the sex-wrecked growl of his voice. He loved it, loved </span>
  <em>
    <span>her, </span>
  </em>
  <span>how easily he could overwhelm her like this; could take her past a place of embarrassment to a land of pure, visceral need. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>(It was something </span>
  <em>
    <span>he </span>
  </em>
  <span>could do. Him, and no one else.)</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No,” said Five, catching a handful of hair at the base of her skull and dragging Vanya’s face back around to his, tugging her into a tight arch of shivery muscles and unsnapped tension. He knew what this was doing to her: he was the one who held her balance, who held her pleasure, and who held all the little intimacies she was sharing with him. For these next few moments she would exist at the mercies of his hands, the ones that had spilled an ocean of blood just to get back to her. (The hands who would willingly do it all again.)</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I want to see you come,” he said, giving her a little shake so that she opened her eyes. She looked desperate and overwhelmed and Five kissed her, swallowing down her little gasps and hitched breaths like blessings. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Please,” Vanya mumbled, arching even closer to him. “Please, Five, I need—”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hush,” he said, pressing himself more firmly against her thighs. “I know what you need. I’ve got you.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Her thighs were trembling now, and Five’s wrist ached, and he couldn’t have taken his gaze from her face even at gunpoint. She was so open to him, sweaty and trembling and needy. Five watched, enthralled, as her breath hitched, and paused, and her eyes went wide and unfocused before she was shaking with her orgasm, her eyes closed and her body limp and trembling in his arms. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He kept his hand pressed against her pussy, letting the stimulation fade, and the whole time he pressed soft kisses to Vanya’s flushed, warm skin. “Such a pretty girl. You’ve needed this so badly, haven’t you? Little fool, I’ve been right here. You should have just </span>
  <em>
    <span>asked.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>He’d taken whatever she was willing to give, he always had been. If this adult Vanya wanted him as a bed partner, he’d give her that, though it might just kill him to pleasure her and then walk away after. </span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Five,” </span>
  </em>
  <span>Vanya sighed, breathy and sated. His chest ached with some strange, diffused kind of tenderness, and his long-ignored cock twitched in his trousers. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Vanya hooked her little hands under his belt and pulled at  him. “I want you in me,” she said, glancing up at him through her eyelashes. The shy glance and mouthy words were such a delightful contrast, and Five found himself smiling again. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Don’t have a condom,” he said. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Vanya bit her lower lip. “That’s alright,” she said. “I have an IUD.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Five’s thoughts, usually so ordered and cold and clear, ground to a smoking halt. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Her cunt, wet and warm around him, nothing between them, just his come in her pussy and smeared over her thighs, planted as deep inside her as he could get it, a little bit of him left in her even after— </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>His hands gripped her hips roughly. “Are you sure?” he asked, scanning her face. He wouldn’t pressure her, fuck, at least he’d try not to, but she was offering up another of his dreams on a platter and he would </span>
  <em>
    <span>howl </span>
  </em>
  <span>if it was taken away. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’ve wanted you for a long time,” she said, and that was all the permission Five needed. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He dragged her down from the counter-top and spun her around, pressing her down so that her chest was canted over the top of the vanity and she was balanced up on her toes. She was so fucking </span>
  <em>
    <span>little </span>
  </em>
  <span>like this; he was so easily able to cover her with his body, bracketing her in underneath him. (Which was right where she should be.)</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Vanya pressed her ass back against him, and Five smacked her hip. “</span>
  <em>
    <span>Oh,</span>
  </em>
  <span>” Vanya moaned, going still beneath him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You like that?” Five asked, splaying one hand between her shoulder blades as he worked his belt and trousers open with the other. “You like my hands on you, sweetheart?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Vanya nodded, her eyes hooded and focused on him in the mirror. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Five notched his cock into the slick cleft of her cunt and blanketed himself along her back, scraping his teeth down the curve of her ear. “Then one of these days I’m going to put you in my lap and spank you until you panties are soaked with it. It’s the least  you can do for making us both wait, isn’t it?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Vanya whimpered and nodded and swayed against him, and Five widened his stance, braced one hand on her belly and the other on the counter top by her shoulder, and slowly worked his way into her body. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Fuck, she was tight. Even dripping wet and swollen open for him like they’d been playing for hours she was fist tight and part of Five reveled in it; in feeling like he was prying her open so that he could wedge himself as deeply into her body and her psyche as he could. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Vanya huffed out a breath when Five’s hips were flush with her ass. They were both panting and looking wildly into their reflections, sex-rumpled and lust-mussed. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“</span>
  <em>
    <span>So fucking big,” </span>
  </em>
  <span>Vanya mumbled, dropping her forehead to the cool plastic of the counter as she gingerly shifted side to side. Even that little bit of friction had Five’s hips chasing hers, and with the last little bit of his control he pulled out of Vanya before slowly sliding back in. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She made a humming noise of contentment, and Five pressed a kiss to the center of her back, so fucking in love with her. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I love how little you are,” he said, reaching around to toy with a nipple as he braced her hip with his other hand. He was working into her steadily now, slow and hard, each thrust rocking her forward and nearly off her feet. “Like a little doll.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Five,” Vanya whispered, scandalized. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yes?” he asked, stroking down her taut belly to toy with her clit. “I think I’d like that. Taking you with me where I go, telling you what a sweet little thing you are for me when you’re wrapped around my cock, washing you up and tucking you in.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Ohmygod,” Vanya mumbled as her cunt clenched around his cock. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh,” said Five, his voice rough and gleeful. “My filthy girl likes that. Likes the idea of being tended by her brother’s cock.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yes,” said Vanya, a gleam of defiance in her eyes. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Five hauled her up for that, keeping his cock deep in her cunt, one hand at her clit, and the other cupped around her throat. She was strung tight along his body, pinned open for him like a butterfly, and Five </span>
  <em>
    <span>loved </span>
  </em>
  <span>it. He could feel her pulse hammering under the tips of his fingers and her pussy so impossibly wet and soft around him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Look at yourself,” Five said, his voice a sex-wrecked rasp. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They looked. She was totally naked against his fully clothed form. Her head was resting back against Five’s shoulder in a mockery of repose, her hair was wild and sticking to her skin, and her skin was pale and milky in contrast to Five’s broad, tanned hands. Her thighs and cunt shone with her own arousal, and this wanton, hedonistic view of herself only made Vanya wriggle more. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Look how pretty you are like this.” He couldn’t get much traction this way, could only grind up and into her, but he could feel Vanya’s thighs starting to tremble and he was only holding off his own orgasm through willpower alone. It wouldn’t take much to push him over the edge. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“So soft and sweet for me. So trusting. Yeah, look at you, pretty girl. Fucking look at you.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Five pinned her back on the counter so he could work into her more thoroughly, but kept his hand on her throat. It looked like it belonged there. His hips were working into her more roughly, knocking her own hips into the edge of the counter, but Vanya didn’t seem to mind. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Her mouth was open and damp, her eyes were wide, and one of her little hands left the edge of the counter to cover Five’s own fingers on her throat. At first he thought she wanted to pull his hand so he loosened his fingers, but </span>
  <em>
    <span>fuck him to hell </span>
  </em>
  <span>Vanya’s fingers tightened on his, closing their joins hands around her throat. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Five couldn’t take the sight of that, their fingers twined around Vanya’s delicate neck. He planted his forehead against Vanya’s shoulder, closed his eyes, and fucked her like he’d always dreamed. She was making sharp little huffs of air each time he thrust in, like he fucking the very air right out of her, and it was with no small amount of desperation that Five ground his fingers against her clit, knowing it had to be nearly to a point of pain, when Vanya finally came. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Her whole body tensed like an electric current had run through it, and her pussy clenched so hard that only Five’s weight kept his cock deep inside of her. One haphazard thrust later and Five was shaking with his own release, his balls nearly aching as they drew up and emptied into Vanya’s fluttering cunt. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>When Five pried his eyes open he looked into the mirror at Vanya’s reflection, not sure what he expected to see. Not tears, he hoped, even though he knew he’d been too rough.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She was blinking slowly at him, like a sated kitten in a sunbeam, and slowly, like the sun breaking through clouds, they both smiled at each other, sex drunk and loopy. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Five,” Vanya slurred, wriggling on his fast-softening cock. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, sweetheart,” said Five, pushing off her and standing, absolutely dumbstruck, as he watched his own come dribble out of Vanya. For one crazed moment he wanted to push it back into her with his fingers, to mark her as his from the inside out, but that was insane and they were twenty yards from all of Vanya’s coworkers, and not even he was that much of an asshole. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Not yet. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Five tucked his cock back in his boxer briefs, tucked in his shirt, and did up his trousers. He found his handkerchief, folded it up, and cupped it over Vanya’s sticky sex. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She relaxed a little, rubbing her cheek over her crossed arms like a child ready to nap on her school desk. “Might have to carry me out of here,” she mumbled. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I would,” said Five, refolding the handkerchief and swiping it over her pussy. “I’d tell everyone you twisted your ankle. Or,” he added, bending low so his scruff could brush over her cheek. “I’d throw  you over my shoulder and let all those people in the fancy, conservative clothes draw their own conclusions.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Vanya shivered, and Five pressed a quick kiss to her cheek before pocketing his filthy handkerchief. Five boosted her back up onto the counter and picked her jumpsuit off the floor. She held out a foot, pointed like a ballerina, and Five smiled as he ran one trouser leg, then the other, up Vanya’s thin legs. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She hopped down and got the bodice on herself. With a zip she was dressed, and then smoothing over her sex ruffled hair. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Will you go get my coat?” she asked, looking so trustingly up at Five. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Of course,” he told her. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Wait.” With her little pink tongue tucked into the corner of her mouth, she used the corner of Five’s black tie to wipe a lipstick smudge off his cheek. “Alright,” she announced, smiling sweetly up at him. “Now.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He went, and came back in less than a minute. Being an assassin had its advantages, and one was years of practice moving unnoticed through crowds. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Ready to go home?” Five asked, helping Vanya into her coat. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yes,” she said, taking his hand and leading him back out onto the stage. They crossed the shining wood, jogged down the stairs, and then slowly walked down the dark central aisle of the theater to the big double doors. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Are you still planning on moving out?” she asked, peering up at him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Five’s heart lurched. “I don’t know,” he said. Now that the adrenaline and pleasure had faded, he still wasn’t sure where he stood with her. She’d jumped him rather than say. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I just… I wasn’t sure if you wanted me the way I wanted you. But now I know you do, and I’d like it. If you stayed with me, I mean. No more couch.” She offered him a tentative smile. “And… I don’t know if you were serious about putting me over your lap…” she trailed off, blushing furiously. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Five raised an eyebrow. “I would be more than happy to. But only if you deserve it.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Vanya tossed her hair over her shoulder, and Five wanted to crow his victory to the world. These little flashes of confidence made him want to drag her right back into that dressing room where he could fuck her all over again. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Deserve it for being good?” she asked saucily. “Or bad?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Five leaned down and pressed his forehead to hers. “Why don’t you find out?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Vanya leaned forward and kissed him, all happy sighs and fluttering eyelashes… and then she bit him, right on the bottom lip. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Five jerked back and felt himself start to grin. “Oh, just you wait, brat,” he said, watching as she shivered in her over-sized winter coat. “Just wait until I get you home.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>For that’s what it was, now. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Home, </span>
  </em>
  <span>something that had eluded Five for forty-five long years. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Vanya laughed and scampered down the steps of the theater and into the cold city night. Five followed her, because that’s what home was for him, wasn’t it? A five-foot nothing scrap of a girl who didn’t even realize that she’d been his tether to sanity all along.</span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I have nothing to say in my own defense.</p></blockquote></div></div>
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